Songket di Amerika

Dear DOWP,

Going into my 5th day of self-isolation now and am trying so hard to keep myself productive with all the remaining free time I have for myself before dipping my toes into 2nd year of med school.....because when term officially starts, it's kinda hard for me to give my poor right brain an escapism, even more so now that all events in RCSI are going to be held online which kinda sux ( a lot ) considering that art soc's events are one of the things I would always let myself be available to even when I have card signing the day after. Thanks a lot miss rona sksksksk but one good thing that came out of all these restricted movements I would vouch for is that I always manage to come out of it with a new skill so on a personal note, I guess a sincere thanks from me miss rona? 😅

A couple of days ago I gave back-stitching a go after SO LONG abandoning it (I guess the last time I did it when I was in still elementary??). It was my first time doing it on canvas, and also my first time not being dumb enough to water down my acrylic too lol. Stabbing the canvas with jarum was the hardest part of the process, my index sakit gila and all my jarum bengkok now dy😆 but all the blood, sweat and tears (coiii) were worth it la cause I could say I'm pretty proud of the outcome, even if it it not as neat as I initially envisioned it to be but it's my first so I'll give myself a break :p *pats shoulder* (p.s. I hope my Kemahiran Hidup teacher iz proud HAHAHAHAHAH)

Today I SUCCESSFULLY managed to get confirmation from a couple of doctors and fill in some important forms for the webinar series SEASoc is collaborating with Malaysian Medics International. Alhamdulillah all is good, I'm just superrrrr relieved my part of the job is done after procrastinating it ever since I touched down in Dubs. We're also having our first call tonight! I also did a cray thing......which I will speak of if only a sis manage to secure her bag😹 (so please pray that I do!! amin!)

While making french toast and finishing my last sachet of milo that expired on Merdeka day at 6AM, I suddenly got reminiscent of the inner struggles I faced when I was a teenager (yeah cause remember I'm an adult now? :p). I used to yearn so bad to travel overseas-- maybe it was FOMO, maybe it was  peer pressure. Having a mom with "kalau nak pergi atas effort sendiri" as a motto didn't help either but if my mom weren't persistent with her stance I guess I wouldn't be where I am now.

My first foreign country was Brunei, tu pun by car cause my cousin married a Sarawakian and we flew to East Malaysia for their wedding. I kinda winged everything from there because I really wanted to experience. Yes, experience. I'll admit I was a bit timid when it comes to my potential and I still am, but maybe I care less now so I just do it and regret later. 

So I studied (I wanted to say I studied hard but I really didn't- I only figured I actually only study yang bebetul belajar dahagakan ilmu baca before class and faham apa yang i belajar cari apa yang tak faham when I'm doing my degree, I didn't even study for realz back from my kindy to college LOL i honestly dont know what i did!! which is stupid btw because I would have gotten better opps but oh well haha) and secured myself in the top 10 during my form 1. From there I was selected to be in OKAT-1, and based on my presentation skill I managed to be selected yet again for another extra-curricular event, Tunas Saintis. I jumped from one competition to another but when I was 14 years old was when I started to leap. Twists and turns of life led me to enter World Scholars' Cup, which was my stepping stone into the real world. I'll write about the specifics of being a WSC scholar later cause it's frankly a glitz and glam life hahaha. Represented Malaysia for 2 years in a row from 2014-2015, this experience secured a spot in my life highlight reel because the ticket to my 2nd foreign country was fully-fledged sponsored by MARA! Heheh MARA muah cikeeedd 😘 WSC made me feel alive alright. I guess the adrenaline rush of bearing the name of your school and your country and of course the dingling sound the medals make when they collide with one another made me felt like I was significant? But heh, that feeling died pretty quick anyway because in 2016 MARA (or is it my MRSM? cant remember) stopped sending students to WSC lol.

In yet the same year, 2016, I was offered by a teacher to work on a microbiology project together. We lost as usual in Tunas Saintis HAHAHAHAHAH (I guess MRSM Kubang Pasu never did have a luck in that particular competition) buttt my teacher got an email a week later saying that our project was selected to go to I-SWEEEP! (Please search the title up cause it's darn long to be written here😴) It's such a dejavu moment cause I've heard about a Malaysian getting selected to attend I-SWEEEP in Houston, Texas (my 3rd and 4th foreign country sponsored again wehu!) (she won Gold btw) the first time I went to Tunas Saintis (in 2014) and 2 years later that Malaysian is me. (I didn't win gold though, got bronze but was SUPER stoked cause 1) Another Malaysian team that went with us didn't win so we were pretty bummed out at first cause they won 1st in Tunas Saintis, we didn't even get a place so where does that put us kan? When our names were announced I MACAM YA ALLAH IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING????? 2) In early 2020 that Malaysian I heard stories of became my housemate.....Dunia ni kecik kan??! Hahahaha). But anywhoo, that's where the title of this post was derived from. Songket di Amerika. So sorry it's such a long throwback, maybe because yesterday was Merdeka and I suddenly recalled of all the videos and the writings I have stored away for so long. Yes, I was so self-conscious I didn't even put up my face or my life update on instagram for like 4 years?? (can you believe my posts only consisted of skies, snapshots of puisi and random aesthetic plants??) But now I post all the time cause Idc what people say as long as my feed's nice :P Yeah I know I sound a bit ignorant but people's words have a reputation of hindering me to experiencing better moments in life, so I try to shut them down from monopoly. Sedtruth but it iz what it iz.

I used to consider form 2 as seketul ainaa reaching the peak of her plateau, but now looking back I think f4 made the biggest impact. Went on A LOT of science-based exhibitions, bagged home a lot of golds, silvers and bronzes, received the title Saintis Bestari from MARA and UPM and I got invited to be a recipient for Anugerah Kecemerlangan MARA in which I encountered many many outstanding peers and boom the sudden realization that I'm just a speck of dust in this vast galaxy hit me like a flaming bullet ceh tibeh.

Then I went to KMS and I tried to tone down a bit cause I realized I spent so much time experiencing all these great extra-curricular stuffz outside of school that I missed out on my life as a normal KL (eventhough I'm from  Shah Alam but wuteva) teenager. I wouldn't say I flunked my tests but for a person who has maintained a GPA of 3.95-4.00 for 5 years of high school, I dumped my best student reputation in college straight into the dustbin hahahahah. But I enjoyed every bit of it. Went to concerts and balik at 4am, malukan diri buat video joget joget sebab nak menang competition umobile lol, panjat pagar, stayed past curfew at mamak cause we wanted to hike Broga at 5am, pull up plenty of all-nighters not studying, but just chatting and vibing at Dewan Selera and at the basketball court infront of aspuri just to see shooting stars, masuk detention berapa juta kali, dah berapa kali dah have something something with people but end up tak jadi kakakaka, tak scan masuk college, muntah dalam grab, kena panggil dengan sir nas, nangis dalam toilet, nangis kat KMB sebab kena reject EE, nangis kat bilik kaunseling LOL and a lot of other real, raw stuff happened. I could say that my life in KMS was the revelation that I needed- that I can have total freedom of myself if only I let myself to. And I'm so glad that I did wee!

But now I'm already in uni and it's only in RCSI that I have realized that I have to study properly because what I'm learning now will be applied when I'm working and my work and my knowledge will affect other people's lives so no more badgal i guess more berkahgal now haha. Life right now is more towards building connections and working to really gilap my CV cause that will be the sole ticket to reaching things in the next stage of life. Alhamdulillah, this year I'm juggling between being a VP for SEASoc, an ambassador for RCSI and UKEC's Supreme Councillor. Wanted to juggle more but let's see where life takes me eh? (pls doakan I dapat maintain my result amin!)

Ok cerita pepanjang throwback pepanjang ni sebenarnya nak cakap yang as much as I promote myself tp be 'self-made', I truly am not. I've been speaking from privilege and it's darn obvious now if you don't see it yet. I wouldn't be where I am now if it's not my family. My parents are not filthy rich but they've been my safety nets- something that I always take for granted because it has always been mine. There are also my teachers- who have taught me english and communication skill and made me a better speaker. I'm not as good as other people but this cumulative skill has brought me to many competitions, and made me won several awards and it's even super useful now in my stage as a medical student- alhamdulillah for last semester I got a full on 100 on my principal seminar (impromptu 4 minutes lecture infront of your colleagues graded by 2 doctors) which is super hard to get cause the past highest mark a Malaysian got was what- a 70? if I recalled correctly from my conversation from Mira la. I don't like to mention names cause I know people's feelings will be hurt but I guess the teachers who were prominent in my upbringing would be Teacher Marziah and Teacher Diba. Omg their dedication in drilling me in presenting, writing a thesis and debating almost every night- I could never. If they tak sedar and sedarkan myself about the potential that I have, I would be a katak taknak keluar dari tempurung for sure. I wouldn't berlatih dalam shower depan mirror cakap sorang sorang kalau diorang tak sedar I have the potential. I'm so sorry if what I'm gonna say is not worded properly I'm trying to convey the message realistically so apologies in advance if I sound insensitive. Consider la if I were born in a poor family and went to a normal school (I'm thankful that my mom hantar my MRSM application on behalf of me cause I honestly just wanted to go to SMKS9 back then haahahah), my confidence level would be different and the opportunities that I have pun wouldn't be as much. As a matter of fact I wouldn't be in Dublin right now. Privilege. Realizing the privilege that I have and channeling it towards make other people's lives who aren't as fortunate better. That's the main key to take away from this post. (Wished I got to volunteer once again in aug before I went back but I was just too busy😭)

Weh panjang gila.....ok jumpa anda di hari saya perlukan ruang untuk rant, bye! (tibeh)